Anxiety

I’ve wanted to write a bit more on some topics that I think are important, and really, I think anyone can relate to, athlete or not. They are not so much blog posts about what is new in my life, but I think they are worthy of sharing and I got some things to say.

Anxiety has become an increasing part of my life as I get older, and it’s time to talk about it. I think sometimes people throw around anxiety in a joking matter, and I totally understand that that can make it lighter and easier to talk about, but I also think that can be a disservice to people who really struggle with their anxiety.

I am not someone who suffers from really bad anxiety or panic attacks (which are two different things), I am very lucky to have never experienced either one before, but stress and anxiety affects us all in varying degrees. I think of all the topics under the umbrella of mental health, anxiety might be the most common. We will all go through stressful times in our lives, and that can cause us to worry about things far out of our control and over analyze the situation in the process.

Anxiety is defined by Merriam-Webster as both:

(1): apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill: a state of being anxious

(2) medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it

I think the key determining factor for anxiety for me, is that it isn’t just nervousness, which I think that can be normal, but an overwhelming feeling of fear over things that makes it hard to function and disrupts daily life. There will be things in life that make us anxious, but dealing with anxiety daily is a whole different battle.

I read a quote before online that described depression as living too much in the past, and anxiety as living too much in the future. I think that is wayyyyyy too simplified version of it, and clearly not true for everyone. It actually really bothered me when I first saw it online because I was thinking “okay thanks yeah, I’ll just not think about the future or past and then I’ll be cured.” It’s really not that simple at all, but after logically thinking about it I do think there is some merit to that quote.

Anxiety for me often starts with me putting myself through the agony of something that hasn’t happened yet, and very likely may never happen at all. And when I do that, I put myself through so much unnecessary hurting. If whatever awful scenario I’ve conjured up in my head does come true, I’ve only put myself through it twice, and when it likely doesn’t I’ve given up a lot of my present well-being distressing myself over the stories I’ve made up in my head.

But where does that leave me? How does it even begin to be solved? I’m not a mental health expert, I have no degrees, I’m certainly no doctor. But I do have my own experiences to share, and things that work for me.

Anxiety for me comes through in a lot of different ways. It can be as simple as not being able to shut my brain off at night. I could lay down to sleep, and before I know it I’ve spent two hours going through every outcome for the next day, or some other event coming up that I’m worried about or not sure how it will play out. I have to consciously tell myself to just focus on my breathing so I can finally sleep. But in the moment, it can be really hard to even realize you’ve gone down that rabbit hole of overthinking because at least for me, I get so caught up in my head playing things out. It’s almost as if it’s really happening in my brain like my own little movie, and I’ll just go from one thing to the next until I’ve worked myself up imagining the worst-case scenario of everything.

This behavior isn’t just reserved for before bed. If I’m having a particular bad day, it will be anytime I have down time or a free moment that my brain starts to wander and my anxiety starts creeping in. Like small tentacles trying to take over, they reach around my mind and try to take over as they implant these thoughts in my head. It could be anything too; that I’m not good enough at what I do, that none of my friends really want me around, or that whatever I’m about to do today, or tomorrow or next week, is going to go horribly wrong. Sometimes even deadly wrong.

Most of these things never happen, but I’ve found myself panting in my car, unable to slow my heart rate down because I’m so worried about what might go wrong. In my mind, it feels like it has already gone wrong, and it feels so real.

One concept I always find myself coming back to, is my breath. It is the one constant I know I can always count on. I will always be breathing, so it’s something I can come back to in times of chaos. When I’m really anxious about something I try to come back to my breath and slow it down. It’s always much easier said than done, and I also sometimes need someone else to point out how anxious I am to even notice it myself. Being told I need to relax gives me a moment to realize, you’re right I DO need to calm now and center myself.

Some days I can notice the patterns and am more self-aware and other days I need a little bit of help. I really haven’t been feeling like my normal self lately, but I think I’m starting to get back to a place I want to be.

Another tip that works for me is honoring how I feel. I’ve never been particularly good at hiding my feelings and I find it healthier to let them be and pass instead of trying to hide them. On days when I’m not feeling like myself, I allow myself to take care of ME in any way that will help. Sometimes that means skipping a workout and though it feels like it might hurt my physical health in the process, if it will help me mentally then it’s the right thing to do. Beating myself up for not being perfect will never be the answer, and sometimes less is more. For me personally, my days of rest and days where I put my mental health first, are just as important if not more important as the days when I’m going really hard on the court or in the gym. 

I know that decisions like that don’t always seem possible and sometimes they really aren’t. If I have a commitment that I can’t miss or am in a training camp type of environment, or overseas playing it can seem impossible to say “no, I need a break.” Sometimes, it still makes me feel weak for wanting a break when everyone else is going hard, like I’m taking the easy way out.

Those types of cases make it even more important to take the breaks when time allows it. If I know I have something coming up that will cause a lot of anxiety I try to get ahead of it as soon as I can. This might seem counteractive for someone who overthinks things, but it’s been working for me. But that doesn’t mean that I spend my days thinking of everything that will or could go wrong for weeks in anticipation. What I’ve learned and try to do is just bring my best self into the situation that I can. So, leading up to big events is where I give myself time off if I need it and try to find good balance so that I can show up as my most happy productive self, even if that means skipping out on a few things that other people might have seen as necessities in their own process to prepare. We can all take different paths and still end up at the same places we want to be.

If a break is still needed I know that there is 24 hours a day, and that commitment is needed to mental health to make it a priority as well. Sometimes lying in bed watching Netflix is what I need to recharge, but I also know that other options can be more productive to make me feel better. They can take more work though. If I don’t have a whole day to spend on myself, I can still set aside a few hours each day to do things that make me feel like my best self.  Sometimes it’s a bath, book or puzzle. Sometimes it’s getting my nails done. Sometimes it’s more personal development like reading and researching about mental health and learning about myself in the process. Sometimes it’s giving back and helping others in a variety of ways to make myself and others feel better.

I clearly do not have all the answers, but what I do know is that I don’t ever want to think so much about life that I forget to live. That is the mindset that I am bringing forward with me this next year. I still fail at it a lot but I’m going to try not to give up my present peace for something that can be dealt with at a later time. I don’t want to procrastinate, but I need to protect my energy right now. Every day is an opportunity to experience something new and the moments directly in front of me are my focus right now.

I will always think it’s important to talk about things like this, because it’s SO NORMAL. There is no shame in sharing stories and talking about these issues. I still feel the stigma around mental health most days, so this is my way of trying to do a little bit of my part to break that stigma down. We need to keep conversations going and continue to talk about mental health openly and honestly.

If anyone has any tips, tricks or stories they want to share about how they deal with their anxiety, I’m always down to listen! Reply back to the post or message me on social media 🙂

-Emily Potter